Branding: last names vs lame names

By Gonzalo López Martí – LMMiami.com

When it comes to brand names, Italians do it better.

Ferrari, Lamborghini, Prada, Armani, Versace, Gucci, Buitoni, Ferrero, Barilla, Bulgari, Ferragamo, Fendi, Benetton, Zegna, Ducati, Lavazza, Campari, Peroni.

They just use their last names.

No silly puns, portmanteaux, or made-up novelty words.

Some colleagues of mine believe that ad agencies, attorneys and architects show a lack of imagination when they brand their firms after their partners.

I beg to differ.

When your name is your brand, and vice versa, you don’t fool around.

You don’t take shortcuts.

You go all in.

You burn the boats and the bridges.

You have no plan B.

You are in it for the ages, you are creating a dynasty.

In all fairness, American businesses in multiple industries used to follow the last-name-as-brand-name tradition.

Chevrolet, Ford, Budweiser, JP Morgan, Boeing, Ralph Lauren, Campbell, Mars, Hershey, Procter & Gamble.*

Until someone thought that silly novelty words made more sense.

Possibly some West Coast new agey dude.

Apple, Google, Uber, Nvidia, Netflix.

Novelty names imply that you are not fully committed.

Like internet trolls who hide their identities.**

Not to mention that novelty names tend to have a very short shelf life.

They become outdated, pompous and trite very rapidly.

Exhibit 1: Cingular

Exhibit 2: Accenture

WTF does Accenture mean anyway?

Accelerate adventure?

Accept indenture?

You employ thousands of MBAs and this is the best you can do?Strictly from a branding perspective, Dell is way better than Apple.

In other words, Apple beats Dell in the computer category despite its silly name.

Another lame name that, in my humble opinion, actually hurts the outstanding product it identifies: Rolex.

Rolex sounds exactly like what it is: a sci-fi name concocted in the 1920s.

Patek Phillipe is way better.

Naturally, there’s money to be made in our racket selling catchy brand names to gullible clients.

Needless to say, there are several AI-powered websites that spit instant brand names on demand, namely Namelix, Squadhelp or Hostinger.

Their business model: when you pick one, they charge fees to help you secure a domain name, hosting, etc.

Fair enough.

The music industry presents this problem profusely.

The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Soda Stereo, La oreja de Van Gogh, Aterciopelados.

Quirky juvenile names that might sound cool and catchy to a 16-year-old, but wear thin very rapidly when the musician in question aspires to artistic respect.

I don’t think I am exaggerating if I say that Lennon & McCartney broke up because they just wanted to see their last names front & center on record sleeves.

U2 members went as far as creating juvenile pseudonyms for its band members: imagine pushing 50 and calling yourself Bono Vox or The Edge.

This, I am afraid, is one of the reasons why a huge band like U2 has seriously lost currency after the 00s.

Anyhoo.

It all boils down to the oldest marketing conundrum: near term vs long view, tactics vs strategy.

Folks in the hip hop scene came up with a clever solution for the lame name syndrome: their names are deliberately juvenile for street cred purposes, and they just change them every couple years.

A smart PR play and a pragmatic marketing move if you ask me.

Lo & behold: as Bad Bunny’s career enters artistic maturity, he is stealthily migrating his silly stage name to his real patronymic Benito Martínez Ocasio.

 

* Firearm manufacturers from all over the world follow this tradition too: Colt, Smith & Wesson, Glock, Remington, Browning, Mossberg, Ruger, Mauser, Heckler & Koch.

** While the social media era has pushed us to regard ourselves as walking, breathing brands, the proliferation of anonymous social media trolls spouting poison is certainly a problem of the modern era, but in some cases, namely legit whistleblowers or folks living in police states, it is important to give people the ability to protect their identities.