Sofía Vergara + Julia Roberts + Meryl Streep + Tina Fey = Lele Pons

By Gonzalo López Martí / LMMIAMI.COM

• As my loyal readers, fans, detractors, fans and haters know well, as of late I’ve been attempting to analyze the hows & whys of the @LelePons juggernaut.
• How did she become possibly the most important Hispanic influenceleb in the country even before she could drive a car, vote or drink alcohol?
• You still don’t know who Lele Pons is?
• Don’t worry: People en Español doesn’t seem to know who she is either.
• Well, she’s only 19 and she’s on Vanity Fair’s New Establishment / Disrupters list.
• The only other Latina on said list is Jessica Alba and there are no Hispanic males featured on it.
• Ms. Pons has almost 10 million followers on Vine (Vine, should you ask, is Twitter’s video platform, which allows users to post and view 6 second long “loops” of video with audio).
• She is the first Vine user to have surpassed the 1 billion loop mark.
• Her account is Vine’s most looped of all time with over 7.2 billion loops.
• She writes, directs and stars in her own Vines.
• Without any form of adult supervision.
• Yet her material is pretty safe and PG.
• Save for the odd goofily risqué visual pun and sporadic burst of sanitized teenage sultriness and horniness, her material is devoid of inappropriate language or imagery.
• By social media marketing standards this is pure unadulterated gold.
• The friggin’ philosopher’s stone.
• The wildly viral yet clean socmed personality brand managers and parents were begging for.
• Sans the self-sabotaging trappings and stupidly sluttish stunts of, say, assorted pseudo skanks like Miley Cirus or Kim Kardashian (let the hate mail begin).
• She is the opposite of a manufactured media product for mass consumption.
• He’s authentic, real, true.
• She has the potential of becoming a post ethnic combination of Scarlett Johansson, Cameron Díaz, Sandra Bullock and Jennifer López.
• Light years away from the ice queens, femme fatales, sinful sphinxes, exotic vixens & dimwit bombshells Hollywood seems to worship (like, say, Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Kidman, Ava Gardner, Rita Hayworth, María Félix or Sofía Vergara).
• She could easily become Kristen Wiig and Tina Fey rolled into one with half their age and twice their energy.
• She has the potential of surpassing Sofía Vergara, Salma Hayek or Jennifer López before her 25th birthday.
• She could give Jennifer Lawrence a run for her money and eat Emma Stone for breakfast any day.
• If she follows this meteoric trajectory, she could easily become the next Audrey Hepburn or Julia Roberts of a post ethnic era.
• Then again, she’s a Latina through & through.
• If you are from Miami you can decode her mannerisms and body language right off the bat (let’s call it “ironic chonga”).
• Hence the comparison with those other Latina goddesses in the headline of this column.
• See, Sofía Vergara honed her career the old fashioned way: advertising model in her teens back in Colombia, moves to Miami, arm candy to an alleged gangster who did time for murder, minor parts on Spanish-speaking TV, stereotype Latina bombshell supporting roles in bigger mainstream productions and boom, next thing you know, well into her forties, she’s the best paid actress working on American TV today.
• Things is, as much as Sofía is a superstar in her own right, she is also as typecast as it gets.
• She can never break character, if only because she still has an accent (despite the fact that directors usually push her to exaggerate it).
• From a garden variety Hollywood producer’s POV, Sofía is a one trick pony, the opposite of Meryl Streep (even though these days Sofía’s probably making five times what Meryl is making, God bless ‘merica).
• Vergara is super hot in every sense of the word, but a Charo on steroids nonetheless.
• Pons is a different creature altogether.
• She won’t need to play maids and drug dealer bimbo girlfriends to carve a niche for herself in the studio system.
• She belongs to a new breed.
• Fully & flawlessly bilingual.
• Naturally beautiful.
• Curvy but not stupidly so, sans signs of deforming surgery.
• A Kardashian with way more class, real talent, true acting chops and no sex tapes circulating online (yet).
• To her advantage, in a society obsessed with Caucasian purity and unadulterated DNA like our beloved ‘merica, Lele is pretty panracial.
• Oddly enough, should you look at her without knowing her background, you wouldn’t know whether she is an Anlgosaxon protestant girl from the heartland, a Jewish American Princess from Park Avenue, a güera from el Norte de México or a Cubanita sparkplug from la sagüesera.
• A total chameleon.
• Movie stardom guaranteed.
• You might think I have some sort of crush on this girl.
• Well, you’re wrong.
• I’m too married, too old and she’s too jailbait.
• I must confess though that she represents a phenomenon I find puzzling, intriguing and fascinating.
• Big time.
• In short, there’s a new post ethnic & post Millennial name in Hollywood with the potential of becoming a big shining supernova of an A lister.
• Yes, an A lister: a shrine and an rarefied atmosphere that has been historically elusive for us Hispanics.
• A brave new inluenceleb with literally unsurpassed socmed traction and enormous marketing potential (to my knowledge, she has only done a brief brand endorsement deal for Microsoft).
• All before reaching legal drinking age.
• Too much too soon?
• Who knows.
• Hopefully, she won’t fall for the drugs & debauchery of that little hellhole of a town aka Hollywood.
• Coming from Miami, world capital of online porn and assorted filth, she should be pretty immunized to LaLaland’s bad influences.